so here it is.. that reminder at 0630 to read over and over. grab those feelings, and stare straight into all that is wrong with the world. Knowing I need to have victory over the very things that are also necessary. I listened to a person speak of her eating disorder, and it was relatable to my life in that my work is her food, and that money is that necessary evil ????

it’s not money though… it’s the love of it – but why, how, etc.

those questions i can’t answer, but what i can say is that I can’t hate it the way we not supposed to love it. I can say that I need to get over shiny, new, and pristine. I get to compare the prayer requests: kids and adults. I don’t know of anybody who gets to read these as much as I do – but it’s eye opening. It’s revealing as to how we change – maturing but also changing. when there’s responsibility to provide, a duty to live, and possible resentment for that which could be seen as a blessing.

It becomes obvious to me why we need to be like children – but it’s also hard to.

is it the worry? is the b/c we’ve worried so they don’t have to? OR nothing at all? were we just unfaithful.

(yesterday) Today was supposed to be epic. I’m so broken inside for missing it buddy. You don’t know what it’s like for me – and I don’t want you to. I look at the calendar; I look at the clock. I know there are these firsts – but I’m jailed to the multi-monitored setup. I’m somewhere between forgotten and desperate. I’m thinking there’s something I can or should do. TX is opening up, people are going hungry without their work. I have to help them! I find it hard to even think that I have to also remind you that you mean the world to me. I “took” you indoor downstairs camping last night, then cried myself to wake b/c I couldn’t sleep. I love my family – and I feel I have the duty to do my best to make sure you’re never in that hunger line. I don’t care about government assistance because I never want you to be on the wrong side of that. I know it’s nothing heroic, honorable, or even praiseworthy.. but I want you to have this sense of duty to your family. Yes: it hurts. This is what essential means. A day off in a time like this is not for me – so I’ll cherish the time I do have, and I’ll let you cuddle me as I type this, and I’ll pretend that I have allergies like you do. Mom’s cold shoulder was epic – I know she understands. The hardest part is that she does I think b/c it doesn’t change anything for her – except make it harder. 3 boys 5 and below… 1 in diapers and 3 constantly hungry, wanting mommy, and asking for daddy. It’s just the eve before the next learning opportunities for you – which in this day and age are limited to 1 parent, which she has volunteered for. This is the scramble kid(s) … when life has only been hindered by circumstances out of your control. When you’re not bored, and the thought of being bored is though of with fondness.

today’s updates:trying something new.

• Me: found out that though one may try – it can still be all wrong. I’m about to enter the world out using outside consultants. Sometimes decent isn’t enough.
• Mommy: spent time with wat – not that different but did get advised to use LinkedIn and search or bigger and brighter.
• ABL: I earned the use of my tablet, then made an even better choice to do a lesson on it. My highlight was visiting my cousins – hitting off of a tee and playing outside.
• ARL: I got to visit my cousins and see a dog. Jake told me dogs wag their tails when they’re happy. But this 🐕 quit wagging- I think he was sad we were leaving.
• WKL: I visited and was passed around. I ended up proving to everyone mommy is my number 1 but did allow daddy to put me back down…yay for all